some responses I like better are:

“do you know what seems to cause it?”

“how do you manage it so well, It’s not something I would have noticed if you didn’t bring it up”

“That sounds really stressful”

“Is something making it worse as of late?”

I guess the precise point here is when I talk about something that is making my life very difficult I’m not bringing it up because I want to be reassured that I seem normal or whatever. I want to not be trapped in anxiety hell, sometimes other people can do little things that help a lot to make it easier. But boy oh boy is it hard to ask them (see previously mentioned anxiety)

Great! I will continue to develop fine hairline cracks until a spectacular structural failure! See you then!

It’s hard to go wrong with simply acknowledging that what another person feels is real. Saying things like “that sounds awful” can feel like not solving the problem but saying this kind of thing solves the problem of a person feeling like no one has even the smallest idea what they are going through.

Even just repeating what they said eg “social anxiety is really bothering you?” can be good.

@futurebird This sounds exactly like the kind of responses #autistics get when they talk about #masking. They generally aren't happy to be told how good they are at it, when doing it at all, even successfully, is a tremendous strain. Sometimes ESPECIALLY when it's most successful.

So am I understanding you correctly: you want to ELIMINATE the anxiety, not just mask its overt symptoms?

Unfortunately, what works best for me is something you may not like any better than compliments on your masking, even though it addresses your internal state, not just external appearances: decrease your respect for other people.

This is what the old "imagine your audience naked" trick is based on, but the approach is more general. For example: there are certain people I have to interact with, who are Trumpezoid Nazis. Instead of imagining them naked, I imagine them in full black-and-silver Nazi SS uniforms, complete with the appropriate insignia: Totenkopf, paired lightning bolts, swastika, iron cross, Nazi eagle. I find it much easier that way to avoid saying things to them I shouldn't, AND to avoid stressing about how they'll react to what I do say. It allows me to feel a level of detachment from them as people that I would otherwise find it difficult to achieve.

My own social anxiety, at least, is based not solely, or even primarily, on fear of the real-world consequences of what I might say, but on fear of damaging a perceived personal relationship with my audience. And it is most intense when that relationship is felt to be most precarious: that is, when I have no REAL reason to think such a relationship exists, but I'm hoping against hope that it will. Writing off the imagined personal relationship is, for me, the key to avoiding social anxiety.

If this doesn't work for you because the psychology of your own social anxiety is different, please disregard. But if this DOES ring true, you may get considerable relief from putting it into practice.