Produce Blame - shift responsibility onto an adjacent player. Beacon of Hose - keep any bards in range from doing the deed. Flesh to Store - morbid way to buy and sell goods, far away from civilization. Tiny Hat - purely cosmetic, but so worth it. Mage Sand - sha-sha-sha! Tree Strife - an off-color joke that will get you cancelled by the ents. Eventually. Punburst - a barrage televisable jokes which might still get you killed. Arcane Lick - you're lucky restraining orders haven't been invented yet. Tire Shield - surprisingly effective. Fund Steed - they're fucking expensive! Revilify - shift responsibility onto any past target of Produce Blame. Fare Storm - lawful neutral highway robbery. Blank - counterspell for a scroll. Knick - does minimal damage, but it really hurts! Mass Peal - deafen nearby enemies with a cacophony of bells. Bending - it's just Move Earth, but you get to pretend you know karate. Spore the Dying - cordyceps infection *technically* is not necromancy. Cull Lightning - increases rendering efficiency. Dispel Gold - really pisses off the munchkins. Wall of Firs - like Wall of Stone, but biodegradable. Counterspill - put any liquid back into its container. Potions included.

Damn I thought the same thing

Pf2e's new name for magic missile is shardstorm.. ripe for the picking with this item

Some new ones: Lending - the real way to make gold. Dust - makes everything a little cleaner. Lust - makes everything a lot dirtier. Bare - put that back on. Lightning Lute - lets bards play Dragonforce. Lightning Lube - lets bards do other things. Massage - see above. Child Touch - why don't you have a seat over there. Fire Colt - impractical to ride, but looks badass. Fine Bolt - produces some excellent cloth. Sopping Sting - material component: towel. Cause Tear - material component: onion. Thundercrap - makes everything a *lot* dirtier. Compelled Duet - the bard ropes you into a musical. Defect Magic - counterspell, but funnier. Dog Cloud - oh gods, who fed him cheese? Inflict Sounds - I cast tinnitus! Wild Canning - preserves food. Arr Bubble - everyone in range talks like a pirate. Zine Of Truth - mimeographed to fight the *man!* Animate Lead - it's just a gun. Speak With Deaf - need your hands free. Wall of Wafer - ineffective, but delicious. Egg Whip - stiff peaks! Heath Ward - man, fuck that guy. Magic Bar - goes well with Tending. Glyph of Carding - let's see some ID, "halfling." Wine Walk - after hitting the Magic Bar. Soul Cafe - much more relaxing. Wash - finally, everything is clean.

Can't wait to shred a mother fucker with pieces of broken pottery!

Mending -> Rending Leomund's Tiny Hut -> Leomund's Tiny Hun or Leomund's Tony Hut Charm Person -> Harm Person Alter Self -> Alter Elf

Power Word: Heel (turns the target evil) Firebald (flames burn off the hair of all targets within the AOE but do no further damage) Healing Wood (repairs damage to doors and furniture) Eldritch Dolt (a magical idiot shows up and tries to tackle the target) Misty Stop (allows you to teleport yourself to where you currently are) Rage Armor (increases your AC but makes you too angry to cast spells) Banding (see MtG rules, section 702.22) Wash (look, the barbarian needs it and he's not gonna do it himself)

> Healing Wood ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Sure... Repairs damage to doors and furniture...

Arcane Dye - for when you don't want to worry about mixing your whites with your reds. Healing Ward - blocks all heal effects on the target. Heap Metal - for when you don't feel like paying a hireling to collect the gear of that bandit camp you just slaughtered. Antilife Spell - wait, I guess that's just Power Word Kill... Burning Lands - when Fireball just isn't Fireball-y enough for you. Chromatic Orc - summons an orc ally. A different color each time you cast the spell. Control Hater - a more powerful version of Command that only works on things that are currently hostile to you. Fire Stork - that wizard must have *really* hated storks. Incinerates the nearest stork. Fig Cloud - an alternative to Hero's Feast for vegan parties. Glyph of Barding - acts as armor for your horses. Prismatic Ball - hold on, I've been notified this was just a mistranslation of Chromatic Orb. Never mind. Rope Brick - this is what you get when you let the Barbarian make spells. Sheep - conjures a sheep. Stonespin - does what it says on the tin. Runbeam - force the target to move their full speed every turn. Rime Stop - I was kicked from a table after bringing this into a Rime of the Frostmaiden campaign. Wash - why would you spend a 9th level spell on Prestidigitation?

You check the label and realize it actually says "Tenser's floating Dikc", but the salesman is already gone.

>Counterspill - put any liquid back into its container. Potions included. Oh man, that would be so useful. Oil spills, railcars, spilled milk, the possibilities are endless

At first glance the English language may seem reasonable, though through tough thorough thought it can be found that it is anything but.

So no joke, our DM gave us this, only it was a dagger called the Rule Breaker. I cast Summon Mage, and summoned a wizard from a completely unconnected campaign.

~~Day~~Gayman! Ah ah ahhh! Fighter of the ~~Night~~Straightman! Ah ah ahhhh!

Charm Person -> Chasm Person

Cause Fear -> Cause Bear